Today is Thursday, and as I write this I am sitting in my van in a school parking lot in Kingsburg. I'll be here another 2 hours or so, reading my book, listening to music and playing on my phone. I may run to Starbucks, but what I really want is a stiff drink.
Why you may ask do I want to drink before noon on a Thursday? Because I am nervous, stomach aching, foot bouncing, can't deal kinda nervous. And it's all for no good reason...
Let me back up, I still haven't told you why I'm here in Kingsburg, have I? Danielle's charter school is doing STAR testing. That statewide testing the determines a whole bunch of stuff I don't get having to do with No Child Left Behind (I guess, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). Danielle happily skipped off with her friends, excited that she not only gets a snack but a real RECESS!! She doesn't seem worried at all! She slept well last night, woke up happy and ate breakfast. I hardly slept, and my breakfast keeps threatening to come back on me :(
I guess it's different Danielle then it was for me. I am happy for her that she's not worried. I've always been a good test taker. Often scoring well even on things I didn't know because I even had stratagies on how to guess on answers. I could write long flowing essays on stuff I knew almost nothing about. It was a gift, but a curse too. I always felt I HAD to do well on all tests, there was no exceptions. Before a test, I'd make myself I'll worrying about it. I studied yeah but more then that I obessed about the test taking process. I'd worry that I'd talk to someone and get in trouble. I'd worry about my pencil breaking or having to go to the restroom. It was CRAZY!! Morning of the test, I was a basket case. As soon as it was over, I was back to normal again, knowing I had done well.
CTBS testing was the worst. That is what we did instead of STAR. It was over a period of days and every day not only did I worry about increasingly stupid things but I'd obsess over the things I felt I had done wrong on that days work. By the last day I was insane...
And there never was anything to worry about, I always had high scores. Testing far above my grade level, consistantly. Imagine how I might have done if I wasn't sitting there concerned that I was going to throw up at any moment..
Guess I should be happy that Danielle doesn't suffer from my anxiety. I am going to do my best to keep it that way. I am not going to pass on my craziness if I can help it. And I think I'm gonna go find me a latte, it's not vodka but it'll have to do :)
-- Posted From My iPhone