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Okay, I am going to date myself here, ready.. I am going to be 45 in November.. Yep, 45.. And I still dress the same as I did when I was ...

Friday, October 21, 2005

Nightmares :(

I had a really bad nightmare last night.

I dreamt that Baby Jack was born early, like right now. And while it wouldn't be considered premature, he would be pre-term, and could possibly have problems. But the real problem wasn't him being pre-term, he was fine, big and healthy. In the dream, the nurses took him away from me, and they wanted to feed him formula because drinking from a bottle is less work then nursing, and he needed all his strength to gain weight. I was crying, and trying to get them to bring me a pump. I was trying to get someone, anyone to call Dr Kratzer (our pediatrician), and no one would, or they couldn't get a hold of him. No one was listening to me. The nurses were telling me that I couldn't pump colstrum, and that it wouldn't make a difference anyways. They wouldn't let me nurse him or pump or anything! It was awful.

The worst part of the dream, wasn't specifically what was happening, but more the fact it seemed the no one was listening to me, that I was completely helpless. I guess that has always been my problem with labors and deliveries, and my biggest fear going into it for the third time. With my son, no one listened to me, the hospital had their procedures, and the patient wasn't really consulted as to their wishes. I was young, and didn't know to stand up for myself, so I still to this day feel victimized and traumatized from my son's birth. Fast forward 11 years to my daughters birth, while I tried to put systems in place to help keep myself from feeling that way again, I had so much fear and anxiety, I just couldn't hold it together. I ended up sort of with the same problems, but not to the same extent as with my son. It wasn't a perfect birth, but a million times better then my son's.

So, think good strong healthy birth thoughts for me this time around, I can really use them :)

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

Pregnancy dreams are always the creaziest aren't they? All your fears and insecurities come crashing into your dreams. Lots of good thoughts/vibes coming your way!