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Life as a fanwoman

Okay, I am going to date myself here, ready.. I am going to be 45 in November.. Yep, 45.. And I still dress the same as I did when I was ...

Monday, January 24, 2005

I will probably delete this one later..

but I have been thinking about this a lot, and just need to get it down somewhere. It's too much to post to my AP mommies, who are currently fricking fighting about Walmart, give me a fricking break, okay???

Have you ever had a part of your body that just repulses you so much that you can't stand it? That is how I feel right now, about my uterus. I have been carrying around the debris from a failed pregnancy, for GODDESS knows how long. All this time it has been betraying me into thinking I was pregnant, making me sick, and tired, giving me the hope and joy of the thought of a new baby. All the while it was lies. And worst of all, I have known since last Wednesday that it was lies, and yet, here I sit, with the lie still firmly imbedded in me. My uterus can't even have the common decencey to miscarry when it's supposed to. It clutches at the lie for dear life it seems. And so now I get the joy of planning for surgery, to remove the lie. I have never had surgery in my life, and I am afraid.

Don't get me wrong, I am mourning for the loss of this potential little life, I am. I cry about it all the time. But the thing that keeps me awake at night, is the anger at this lie. And my anger that my body, my doctor, and everything else seems to be conspiring to force me to hold on to the lie for that much longer. I don't think I should have had to wait even this long. It should have been dealt with the day we found out, or the next day at the latest. Not a week later, it is just sick and wrong to make a woman live through this for so long.

I will probably delete this later, as I said, or I will post tons, and tons of fluffy stuff, to push it far down the page, cause most people don't read too far down.


Tiffiny said...

I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel, but I think I can understand. Why make you wait?? That makes no sense, and it would make me angry. Not fair. It sounds like your uterus is holding on, hoping the truth is not actually the truth. Don't delete this entry, being angry and sad is how you feel. Isn't that what this is for? Your true feelings.

I'm glad I can't read my email....walmart? Been getting out of hand lately, huh?

BTW, I always scroll to the bottom. :)

Be thinking of you this week.

Jessica said...

(((((Beckie))))) I can only imagine how you feel. Just know that you have a lot of people who care and are constantly thinking about you. In no way does that make it better, but just knowing that you can post this and know people will support you is a teeny bit of light. You should continue to express yourself any way you see fit, just type evey curse work you know in the next entry if it will get a little anger out. You can title the post "Ode to the Uterus"